Everyone in life wants to have a close friend. We all appreciate lasting friendships with the people we like. However, there is a stark difference between a friendship and a real friendship. What I mean is this. In any relationship/friendship, you are going to have ups and downs. They can feel like a rollercoaster many times. But what makes friendships real and genuine is how you respond in the rollercoaster of ups and downs.
“He who loves purity of heart and has grace on his lips, The king will be his friend.” – Proverbs 22:11.
First of all, what are the qualities of a good friend? This verse reveals some insight into these qualities of character. Two are prominently mentioned, which are the purity of heart and grace. To start with, the purity of heart is extremely crucial. All motives are rooted in the heart. Do you want a friend who is motivated to be your friend because of what you have or what you can offer, or because they genuinely appreciate who you are? God seeks after the heart, as that is His primary desire from us. Out of the heart is every decision, choice, and desire. All those are a result of intentionality. If they are only your friend because they want something. They are deceiving you into thinking that they appreciate you and intentionally care about you, but in reality, it is a mask over their true intentions of obtaining something from you. That isn’t love, for love is selfless. That isn’t a pure heart, for a pure heart is loving. The second attribute mentioned above is grace on the lips. This word “grace” can be interpreted into a whole subject, but is often used in the definition of “favor”. The definition of favor, according to some dictionaries, is this: “Friendly or favorable regard; approval or support; a state of being held in such regard.” When someone truly has a pure heart for who you are, mistakes and failures on your part aren’t going to just cause them to forget about you completely and change their heart towards you. Rather, they will be there to support you, have grace on you, though you may not deserve it, all because they hold you in a high regard because they love you out of the purity of their heart. Look at this other verse in Proverbs,
“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.” – Proverbs 17:17.
Notice this: a friend loves at all times, not just sometimes. Then the verse also said a brother is born for adversity, which can be described as affliction, distress, trouble, or in one translation, in the time of need. Real friends will be there when you need them the most, not when you want them the most.
“Wealth makes many friends, but the poor is separated from his friend.” – Proverbs 19:4.
The word “wealth” here can be defined as riches, high value, or substance. Any substance, whether titles, fame, materials, services, or other things, can all be things that appeal to people more than the person themselves. When you have nothing, people won’t want to be friends with you because you have nothing that benefits them. Only real people who see the value of your heart rather than the value of what you have or can do are the ones who will stick with you, because those are the people who are real and genuine with that pure heart. However, being a real friend comes at a cost that many don’t recognize. Real friendship isn’t about what they do to you, but how you respond to what they do to you. Jesus told us to turn the other cheek, but why? So that we may live from the side of the unwounded cheek. The friendship between Jesus and Judas shows something quite stark, and the difference between a true friend and a friend who was fake.
“Even my own familiar friend in whom I trusted, who ate my bread, has lifted up his heel against me.” – Psalms 41:9.
This verse is talking about David, but his suffering can be compared to Jesus and Judas very clearly. Judas was one of the 12 disciples who were close friends, but he was also entrusted with the finances. Judas also ate with Jesus at the Last Supper, even with Jesus hinting at him in hopes of restoring him. For everything God reveals is for the purpose of redemption, not embarrassment and shame. Judas was trusted with the finances, ate of the bread, and then lifted his heel against Jesus at the end, betraying Jesus. Judas stole from the finances while being in charge of them, and also betrayed Jesus for silver. Despite it all, Jesus still said to Judas, “Friend, why have you come?” right in the moment of betrayal.
“Immediately he went up to Jesus and said, “Greetings, Rabbi!” and kissed Him. But Jesus said to him, “Friend, why have you come?” Then they came and laid hands on Jesus and took Him.” – Matthew 26:50.
Let me ask you, how many of us would still stay a friend in that moment where we are being betrayed to the point of being arrested and innocent? That is a true friend and true love. Jesus is our example of how to be a real friend. Pure and so gracious, even despite it all and everything Jesus suffered.
“Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are lavish and deceitful.” – Proverbs 27:6. AMPC
How will you treat your friends when they do you wrong or right? When they need help and tough love, will you remove an arrow from them that leaves a wound that heals over time? Or will you kiss them with deceit trying to make them “feel good”? Because if that is how you treat your friends, only telling them what they want despite what they truly need to hear, then you are no better than Judas kissing Jesus betraying Him. Would you starve your friend of something they need because you don’t want to hurt them? You will hurt them more by avoiding that. Nathan and David are an example of this. Nathan had to have some tough love with David when David had sinned. In 2 Samuel 12, Nathan confronted David with some harsh but loving words, and the result of it was very positive despite the fact it might have been hard.
“So David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the Lord.” And Nathan said to David, “The Lord also has put away your sin; you shall not die.” – 2 Samuel 12:13.
This led to David realizing the magnitude of what he had done and led to repentance and redemption. Or what about Jonathan and David? Jonathan protected David from his father when Saul was trying to kill David.
“So Jonathan answered Saul, “David earnestly asked permission of me to go to Bethlehem. And he said, ‘Please let me go, for our family has a sacrifice in the city, and my brother has commanded me to be there. And now, if I have found favor in your eyes, please let me get away and see my brothers.’ Therefore he has not come to the kind’s table.” Then Saul’s anger was aroused against Jonathan, and he said to him, “You son of a perverse, rebellious woman! Do I not know that you have chosen the son of Jesse to your own shame and to the shame of your mother’s nakedness? For as long as the son of Jesse lives on the earth, you shall not be established, nor your kingdom. Now therefore, send and bring him to me, for he shall surely die.” – 1 Samuel 20:28-31.
Imagine your own dad, who is also your king, saying things like this to your face, all because you stood up for your friend. Talk about a real friend who is willing to put down anything for his friend. That is true friendship. So overall, a real friend is someone who just isn’t in your life for the good times but also the times of need in your life. They stick with you, they take the bullet for you, they support you, all when you do them wrong and betray them. They desire to see you grow and prosper even more than themselves. That is real friendship.